Henry

The New Year's Eve party had turned into a regular marathon with numerous guests coming and going. At one point, a man knocked on the door, was greeted heartily although no one knew who he was, and was led to the bar in the basement. He sat there happily for a couple of hours before a strange light dawned on his face. "You know," he confided to his host: "I wasn't even invited to this party. I just came over to tell you that some of your guests' cars are blocking my driveway." The guest continued: "My wife's been sitting out in the car waiting for me to get them moved."

R.I.P CuddlyOne ,All will remain in our memories and we also will Miss her

It was the doctor's last patient consultation of Christmas Eve. A mother came in with her young daughter and asked if he would examine her because she had been showing some strange symptoms, including a significant increase in weight, sickness most mornings and a number of strange cravings. He checked her out very carefully and eventually told the mother that her daughter was unquestionably pregnant. At which news she protested very strongly. 'Don't be ridiculous, my daughter has never been with a man' The girl confirmed that this was true and added that she had never so much as kissed a man. The doctor studied the girl very carefully, then quietly stood up, walked to the window and stared out of it. Suspecting the worst the mother asked if there was something wrong. "No, not really" replied the doctor. 'It might just be a coincidence, but the last time this happened a bright star appeared the East.'

It was coming up to Christmas and Sammy asked his mum if he could have a new bike. So, she told him that the best idea would be to write to Santa Claus. But Sam, having just played a vital role in the school nativity play, said he would prefer to write to the baby Jesus. So his mum told him that would be fine. Sam went to his room and wrote ' Dear Jesus, I have been a very good boy and would like to have a bike for Christmas. ' But he wasn't very happy when he read it over. So he decided to try again and this time he wrote 'Dear Jesus, I'm a good boy most of the time and would like a bike for Christmas. ' He read it back and wasn't happy with that one either. He tried a third version. 'Dear Jesus, I could be a good boy if I tried hard and especially if I had a new bike. ' He read that one too, but he still wasn't satisfied. So, he decided to go out for a walk while he thought about a better approach. After a short time he passed a house with a small statue of the Virgin Mary in the front garden. He crept in, stuffed the statue under his coat, hurried home and hid it under the bed. Then he wrote this letter. 'Dear Jesus, If you want to see your mother again, you'd better send me a new bike.'

It was Christmas Eve in a supermarket and a woman was anxiously picking over the last few remaining turkeys in the hope of finding a large one. In desperation she called over a shop assistant and said "Excuse me. Do these turkeys get any bigger?" "No" he replied, "They're all dead".

i will sleep until 12 noon and I'm going to celebrate at home

How will be the New Year's Day for you ?

Merry Christmas

Danny had recently passed his driving test and decided to ask his clergyman father if there was any chance of him getting a car for Christmas, which was yet some months away. 'Okay.' said his father 'I tell you what I'll do . If you can get your 'A' level grades up to 'A's and 'B's, study your bible and get your hair cut, I'll consider the matter very seriously.' A couple of months later Danny went back to his father who said 'I'm really impressed by your commitment to your studies. Your grades are excellent and the work you have put into your bible studies is very encouraging. However, I have to say I'm very disappointed that you haven't had your hair cut yet. Danny was a smart young man who was never lost for an answer. 'Look dad. In the course of my bible studies I've noticed in the illustrations that Moses, John the Baptist, Samson and even Jesus had long hair.' 'Yes. I'm aware of that...' replied his father '... but did you also notice they walked wherever they went?'

After being away on business for a week before Christmas, Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. "How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50. "That's a bit much," said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30. "Thats still quite a bit," Tom groused. Growing disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle. Tom grew agitated, "What I mean," he said, "is I'd like to see something real cheap." So the clerk handed him a mirror.

Jack was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. The preacher grabbed Jack by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him, 'You need to join the Army of the Lord!' Jack replied, 'I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.' Pastor questioned, 'How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?' He whispered back, 'I'm in the secret service.'

1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds. 2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket. 3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants. 4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly. 5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit! 6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa." 7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home. 8. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive. 9. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off. 10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. " Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa. " 11. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime." 12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections. 13. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire. 14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun. 15. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house. 16. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear. 17. Leave out a Santa suit, with an attached dry-cleaning bill. 18. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue for personal injury. 19. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs. 20. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us.

'Twas the night after Christmas and all through the trailer, the beer had gone flat and the pizza was staler. The tube socks hung empty, no candies or toys and I was camped out on my old Lay-Z-Boy. The kids they weren't talking to me or my wife, the worst Christmas they said they had had in their lives. My wife couldn't argue and neither could I, so I watched TV and my wife, she just cried. When out in the yard the dog started barkin', I stood up and looked and I saw Sheriff Larkin. He yelled, "Roy I am sworn to uphold the laws and I got a complaint here from a feller named Claus." I said, "Claus, I don't know nobody named Claus, and you ain't taking me in without probable cause." Then the Sheriff he said, "The man was shot at last night." I said, "That might have been me, just what's he look like." The Sheriff replied, "Well he's a jolly old feller, with a big beer gut belly, that shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly. He sports a long beard, and a nose like a cherry." I said, "Sheriff that sounds like my wife's sister Sherri." "It's no time for jokes Roy" the Sheriff he said. "The man I'm describing in dressed all in red. I'm here for the truth now, it's time to come clean. Tell me what you've done, tell me what you've seen." Well I started to lie then I thought what the hell, it wouldn't have been the first time that I've spent New Years in jail. I said, "Sheriff it happened last night about ten, and I thought that my wife had been drinking again." When she walked in from work she was as white as a ghost. I thought maybe she had seen one of them UFO's. But she said that a bunch of deer had just flown over her head, and stopped on the roof of our good neighbour Red. Well I ran outside to look and the sight made me shudder, a freezer full of venison standing right on Red's gutter. Well my hands were a shakin' as I grabbed my gun, when outta Red's chimney this feller did run. And slung on his back was this bag over flowin'. I thought he stolen Red's stuff while old Red was out bowling'. So I yelled, "Drop fat boy, hands in the air!" But he went about his business like he hadn't a care. So I popped a warning shot over his head. Well he dropped that bag and he jumped in that sled. And as he flew off I heard him extort, "That's assault with intent Roy, I'll see ya in court."

A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist. Just to see what would happen, on the twins' birthday their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure. That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly. "Why are you crying?" the father asked. "Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken." answered the pessimist twin. Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. "What are you so happy about?" he asked. To which his optimist twin replied, "There's got to be a pony in here somewhere!"

In a small southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You stupid Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said "See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar.'"

Capture beautiful Nan

I take refuge with Allaah from the accursed devil. بِسْمِ اللَّهِ الرَّحْمَـنِ الرَّحِيمِ Bismillah-ir-Rahman-ir-Raheem: In the name of Allah, the Compassionate, the Merciful. Welcome to my blog and praise the Magnificent Lord as you enter: Allahu Akbar: Allah is the Greatest . May the Peace and Blessing of Allah Azza wa Jal, our Lord Glorified and Praised be He, be upon our beloved Prophet, his Family, and Companions. Sulayman (Solomon) Alaihi Salaam, the son of Dawood (David) Alaihi Salaam. وَوَهَبْنَا لِدَاوُودَ سُلَيْمَـنَ نِعْمَ الْعَبْدُ إِنَّهُ أَوَّابٌ (30. And to Dawud We gave Sulayman. How excellent a servant! Verily, he was ever turning in repentance (to Us)!) إِذْ عُرِضَ عَلَيْهِ بِالْعَشِىِّ الصَّـفِنَـتُ الْجِيَادُ (31. When there were displayed before him, in the afternoon, well trained horses of the highest breed.) فَقَالَ إِنِّى أَحْبَبْتُ حُبَّ الْخَيْرِ عَن ذِكْرِ رَبِى حَتَّى تَوَارَتْ بِالْحِجَابِ (32. He said: “I did love the good instead of remembering my Lord,” till the time was over, and (the sun) had hidden in the veil (of night).) رُدُّوهَا عَلَىَّ فَطَفِقَ مَسْحاً بِالسُّوقِ وَالاٌّعْنَاقِ (33. Then he said: “Bring them back to me.” Then he began to pass his hand over their legs and their necks.) Surah 38 Sad, Verse 30-33 Tafsir Ibn Kathir Allah tells us that he gave Sulayman to Dawud as a Prophet, as He says elsewhere: (And Sulayman inherited Dawud) (27:1). meaning, he inherited prophethood from him. Dawud had other sons besides Sulayman, for he had one hundred free wives. (How excellent a servant! Verily, he was ever oft-returning in repentance (to Us)!) This is praise for Sulayman, because he was very much obedient, worshipping Allah much and always turning to Allah in repentance. (When there were displayed before him, in the afternoon, well trained horses of the highest breed.) means, these well trained horses were shown to Sulayman, peace be upon him, in his capacity as king and ruler. Mujahid said, “They were the kind of horses which stand on three legs and raise the fourth, and they were swift horses.” This was also the view of several others among the Salaf. Abu Dawud recorded that `A’ishah, may Allah be pleased with her, said, “The Messenger of Allah came back from the campaign of Tabuk or Khaybar, and there was a curtain covering her room. The wind came and lifted the curtain, revealing some toys belonging to `A’ishah, may Allah be pleased with her. The Prophet said: (What is this, O `A’ishah) She, may Allah be pleased with her, said, “My toys.” Among them he saw a horse with two wings made of cloth. He said: (What is this that I see in the midst of them) She, may Allah be pleased with her, said, “A horse.” The Messenger of Allah said, (And what is this on it) She, may Allah be pleased with her, said, “Wings.” The Messenger of Allah said, (A horse with two wings) She, may Allah be pleased with her, said, “Did you not hear that Sulayman, peace be upon him, had a horse that had wings” She, may Allah be pleased with her, said, “The Messenger of Allah smiled so broadly that I could see his molars.” (He (Sulayman) said: “I did love the good (i.e., horses) instead of remembering my Lord” till the time was over, and (the sun) had hidden in the veil (of night)) More than one of the Salaf and scholars of Tafsir mentioned that he was so busy looking at the horses that he missed the time of `Asr prayer. He did not miss it deliberately, but because of forgetfulness, as happened to the Prophet on the day of Khandaq, when he was too busy to pray `Asr and he prayed it after the sun had set. This was recorded in the Two Sahihs with more than one chain of narration, including the report from Jabir, may Allah be pleased with him, who said, “On the day of Khandaq, `Umar, may Allah be pleased with him, came after the sun had set and started cursing the disbelievers of the Quraysh. He said, `O Messenger of Allah, I could not pray `Asr until the sun had almost set.’ The Messenger of Allah said, (By Allah, I did not pray it either.)” He (Jabir) said, “So we got up and went to Buthan. Allah’s Prophet performed ablution for the prayer and we too performed ablution. He prayed `Asr after the sun had set, then he prayed Maghrib after that.” (Then he (Sulayman) said: “Bring them (horses) back to me.” Then he began to pass his hand over their legs and their necks.) Al-Hasan Al-Basri said, “He said, `No, by Allah, you will not keep me from worshipping my Lord again,’ then he ordered that they should be slaughtered.” This was also the view of Qatadah. As-Suddi said, “Their necks and hamstrings were struck with swords.” `Ali bin Abi Talhah reported that Ibn `Abbas, may Allah be pleased with him, said, “He began patting the horses’ heads and legs out of love for them.” This is the view that was favored by Ibn Jarir. He said, “Because he would not punish an animal by cutting its hamstrings or destroy his own wealth for no other reason than that he had been distracted from his prayer by looking at it, and it was not the animals’ fault. ” This view which Ibn Jarir thought more correct is subject to further review, because such action may have been permissible according to their law, especially since he got angry for the sake of Allah for being distracted by these horses until the time for prayer had lapsed. Then, since he dispensed with them for the sake of Allah, Allah compensated him with something better, the wind which blew gently by his order wherever he willed. Its morning lasted a month’s (journey), and its afternoon lasted a month’s (journey). This was faster and better than horses. Imam Ahmad recorded that Abu Qatadah and Abu Ad-Dahma’, who traveled a lot to the Ka`bah, said, “We met a man from among the bedouins who said to us: `The Messenger of Allah took my hand and started teaching me some of that which Allah had taught him. He said, (You do not give up anything for the sake of Allah, but Allah will give you something better than it.)”’ وَلَقَدْ فَتَنَّا سُلَيْمَـنَ وَأَلْقَيْنَا عَلَى كُرْسِيِّهِ جَسَداً ثُمَّ أَنَابَ (34. And indeed, We tried Sulayman and We placed on his throne Jasad (a body), and he returned.) قَالَ رَبِّ اغْفِرْ لِى وَهَبْ لِى مُلْكاً لاَّ يَنبَغِى لاًّحَدٍ مِّن بَعْدِى إِنَّكَ أَنتَ الْوَهَّابُ (35. He said: “My Lord! Forgive me, and bestow upon me a kingdom such as shall not belong to any other after me. Verily, You are the Bestower.”) فَسَخَّرْنَا لَهُ الرِّيحَ تَجْرِى بِأَمْرِهِ رُخَآءً حَيْثُ أَصَابَ (36. So, We subjected to him the wind; it blew gently by his order wherever he willed,) وَالشَّيَـطِينَ كُلَّ بَنَّآءٍ وَغَوَّاصٍ (37. And the Shayatin, from every kind of builder and diver,) وَءَاخَرِينَ مُقَرَّنِينَ فِى الاٌّصْفَادِ (38. And also others bound in fetters.) هَـذَا عَطَآؤُنَا فَامْنُنْ أَوْ أَمْسِكْ بِغَيْرِ حِسَابٍ (39. [Allah said to Sulayman]: “This is Our gift, so spend you or withhold, no account will be asked of you.”) وَإِنَّ لَهُ عِندَنَا لَزُلْفَى وَحُسْنَ مَـَابٍ (40. And verily, for him is a near access to Us, and a good (final) return.) Surah 38 Sad, Verse 34-40 Tafsir Ibn Kathir Allah says, (And indeed, We tried Sulayman) meaning, `We tested him.’ (and We placed on his throne Jasad (a body)). (and he returned.) means, after this test, he turned back to Him and asked for forgiveness and to be given a kingdom such as shall not belong to any other after him. (He said: “My Lord! Forgive me, and bestow upon me a kingdom such as shall not belong to any other after me. Verily, You are the Bestower.”) Some of them said, “No one after me will have the right to ask Allah for such a kingdom.” This is the apparent meaning from the context of the Ayah, and several Hadiths with a similar meaning have been narrated from the Messenger of Allah . In his Tafsir of this Ayah, Al-Bukhari recorded that Abu Hurayrah, may Allah be pleased with him, said that the Prophet said: (An `Ifrit from among the Jinn came and bothered me last night- or he said something similar -Trying to stop me from praying. Allah enabled me to overpower him, and I wanted to tie him to one of the pillars in the Masjid so that you could see him this morning. Then I remembered what my brother Sulayman said, (My Lord! Forgive me and bestow upon me a kingdom such as shall not belong to any other after me)) Rawh said, “so he let him go, humiliated.” ) This was also recorded by Muslim and An-Nasa’i. In his Sahih, Muslim recorded that Abu Ad-Darda’, may Allah be pleased with him, said, “The Messenger of Allah stood up to pray and we heard him say, (I seek refuge with Allah from you.) Then he said, (I curse you with the curse of Allah.) three times, and he stretched out his hand as if he was reaching out to take something. When he finished his prayer, we said, `O Messenger of Allah, we heard you say something in your prayer which we have never heard you say before, and we saw you stretching out your hand.’ He said: (The enemy of Allah Iblis came with a flame of fire to throw in my face, so I said, “I seek refuge with Allah from you” three times, then I said, “I curse you with the complete curse of Allah,” but he did not back off. I said it three times. Then I wanted to seize him. By Allah, if it were not for the words of our brother Sulayman, he would have been chained up and he would have become a plaything for the children of the people of Al-Madinah.)” Allah says: (So, We subjected to him the wind; it blew gently by his order wherever he willed.) Al-Hasan Al-Basri, may Allah have mercy on him, said, “When Sulayman, peace be upon him, slaughtered the horses out of anger for the sake of Allah, Allah compensated him with something better and swifter, the wind whose morning was a month’s (journey), and its afternoon was a month’s (journey).” (wherever he willed.) means, wherever in the world he wanted. (And also the Shayatin, from every kind of builder and diver,) means, among them were some whom he used to build high rooms, images, basins as large as reservoirs, and cauldrons fixed (in their places), and other difficult tasks which humans were unable to do. And there was another group, who dived into the sea recovering pearls, jewels and other precious things which cannot be found anywhere else. (And also others bound in fetters.) means, tied up in chains. These were the ones who had rebelled and refused to work, or else their work was bad and they were wrongdoers. ([Allah said to Sulayman]: “This is Our Gift, so spend you or withhold, no account will be asked of you.”) means, `this that We have given to you of kingship and perfect power, as you asked for, you may give to whomsoever you wish and deny to whomsoever you wish, and you will not be brought to account. Whatever you do is permissible for you, so however you judge, it will be right.’ It was reported in the Two Sahihs that when the Messenger of Allah was given the choice between being a servant and a Messenger — who does what he is commanded to do and distributes things among the people as Allah commands him to do — or being a Prophet and a king, who can give to whomever he wishes and withhold from whomever he wishes without being held accountable for anything, he chose the former. He consulted with Jibril, peace be upon him, who said, “Be humble.” So he chose the former because it has a greater value before Allah and brings a higher status in the Hereafter, even though the second option, prophethood combined with kingship, is also a great thing both in this world and in the Hereafter, when Allah tells us what He gave to Sulayman, peace be upon him, in this world, He tells us that he will have a great share with Allah on the Day of Resurrection. He says: (And verily, for him is a near access to Us, and a good (final) return.) meaning, in this world and the Hereafter. The Death of the Wise King Prophet Solomon ruled for 30 years, and his public work was largely carried out by the jinns. This was a punishment for their sins of making people believe that they were all-powerful, knew the unseen, and could foresee the future. As a prophet, Solomon had the duty to remove such false beliefs from them. And then the time destined by Allah Almighty came for the death of Solomon. Like his life, his death too was unusual; and Allah devised it as a means to teach the people that the domain of the world of the unseen including the future is known to Allah alone. Thus, even the death of Solomon served an important purpose. Solomon was sitting holding his staff, overseeing the jinns at work in a mine. He died sitting in this position. For a long time, no one was aware of his death, for he was seen sitting erect. (The explanations of the story of Solomon were adapted from the exegesis of the Qur'an by the Islamic scholar, Ibn Kathir). The jinns continued with their toil, thinking that the king was watching over them. Days passed, and the king's death became known only when his supporting stick, eaten by termites gave way and the body fell to the ground: *{They worked for him as he desired, making arches, images, basins as large as reservoirs, and cooking cauldrons fixed in their places: "Work you, sons of David, with thanks! But few of My servants are grateful. Then, when We decreed Solomon's death, nothing showed them his death except a little worm of the earth that kept slowly gnawing away at his staff: So when he fell down, the jinns saw plainly that if they had known the unseen, they would not have tarried in the humiliating penalty of their task.}* (Saba' 34:13-14) http://heavenlypraise.wordpress.com/2010/07/27/sulayman-solomon-peace-be-upon-him-the-son-of-dawood-david-peace-be-upon-him/

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" The kid says, "Yeah." The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike." The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket. The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did." The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the stupidity in the horse's brain instead of on his back."

Bill Clinton, Hillary Ramrod Clinton, Al Gore, and Tipper Gore are flying aboard Air Force 1 on their way to visit the Communists to share their success stories about taxing Americans. Bill: "Why don't I throw this hundred dollar bill out the window and make someone very happy." Hillary: "Well, why don't you throw ten hundred dollar bills out the window and make ten people happy." Al: "Why don't you two jump out the window and make me and Tipper happy." Tipper: "Why don't we all jump out the window and make everybody throughout the United States and world happy."

Jose approaches the Mexican border on his bicycle. Hanging from his shoulders he has two large, bulky bags. The border patrol guard stops him and says, “Hey mister what ya got in those bags?” “Just sand,” replied Jose. The guard says, “OK get off the bike and we’ll take a look. Who carrys all that sand around?” The guard takes the bags and emptys them on the ground and sure enough there’s nothing but sand. However he is suspicious and so he detains Jose overnight while he gets the sand analysed. The next morning he receives the report that states that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard has no choice but to release Jose and puts the sand into new bags, slings them onto the man’s shoulders, and waves him across the border. A week later exactly the same thing happens. The guard asks, “What have you got in those bags?” Jose replies “Sand.” The guard performs the same examinations on the bags and discovers nothing but sand. Once again he gives the sand back to Jose who crosses the border on his bicycle. This sequence of events if repeated every week for over a year until finally Jose stops showing up. A few weeks later the guard bumps into Jose in a Cantina in a local village. The guard approaches Jose and says , “What’s happend to you lately I haven’t seen you”. Jose replies “That’s right I have finished the job I was doing.” “So what sort of job involves taking bags of sand over the border” asks the guard. Jose sips at his beer and replies, “Smuggling bicycles!”

Three girl friends have met up for their weekly meal together and are discussing their relationships. One of them is engaged, one is a mistress and the other is married. They decide that to try and surprise their men that night all three will dress up in a leather S&M style bodice, red stilettos and a mask. The next week they meet up again and compare their experiences. The engaged girl says, ‘The other night, when my fiance came home, he found me in the leather bodice, the high red stilettos and mask covering my eyes. As soon as he saw me he grabbed me saying “I love you” and carried me upstairs where we made love all night.’ The mistress says, ‘I went up to my lover’s hotel room where he was waiting for me and knocked on the door. I was wearing the leather bodice, the red stilettos, and the mask, with my fur coat on top. When I entered the room and dropped my coat to the floor, he said “Wow” and we made love all night. The married girl say ‘Hmmph, I got myself dressed up the same as you two, leather bodice, red stilettos and mask over my eyes and waited for my husband to get home from work.” “He opened the door, came in and said “Evening Batman, what’s for dinner?”

A guy sticks his head round the door of the barbershop and asks, ‘How long before I can get a haircut? The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, ‘About 2 hours’, ‘OK’ said the guy and left. A few days later, the same guy stuck his head round the door and again asked, ‘How long before I can get a haircut?’ The barber looked around at the shop and said, ‘About 2-3 hours.’ As before, the guy left. A week later, the same guy returns and stucks his head into the shop and asked, ‘How long before I can get a haircut?’ The barber looked around the shop and said, ‘About an hour and a half today Sir.’ True to form the guy walked away. However this time the barber turned to his friend and said, ‘Hey, Bill, do me a favor. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn’t ever come back.’ A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, ‘So what’s so funny and where does that guy go when he leaves?’ Bill looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, ‘Your house!’

Beautiful jump

Mass Whale Hunting in Faroe Islands Leave Sea Blood Red The sea of Faroe Islands in north of Europe turned red with the blood of hundreds of whales killed by the inhabitants on November 22, as a part of their annual whale hunting culture. Every year the islanders catch and slaughter pilot whales (Globicephala melaena) during the traditional whale hunt known as 'Grindadrap'. The mass hunting is non-commercial - the whale meat cannot be sold but is divided evenly between members of the local community. The hunters crowd the whales into a bay and then cut their spines leaving the animals bleed to death slowly, while the surrounding sea turns bloody red. These images of a blood-red sea can often have a shocking effect on bystanders. Being an autonomous province of Denmark, where whaling is banned, the Faroe Islands’ laws allow the mass slaughter of pilot whales, beaked whales and dolphins to observe the annual tradition. Whaling in the Faroe Islands in the North Atlantic has been practiced since about the time of the first Norse settlements on the islands. The meat and blubber of pilot whales have long been a part of the islanders' national diet. Despite criticism from animal rights groups and International Whaling Commission, the whale hunting custom continues to kill thousands of whales year after year. Around 950 Long-finned Pilot Whales are killed annually, mainly during the summer. The American Cetacean Society says that pilot whales are not considered to be endangered, but that there has been a noticeable decrease in their numbers around the Faroe Islands. Whale hunting has been a common phenomenon for a long period of time. It is known to have existed on Iceland, in the Hebrides, and in Shetland and Orkney. Archaeological evidence from the early Norse settlement of the Faroe Islands c. 1200 years ago, in the form of pilot whale bones found in household remains in indicates that the pilot whale has long had a central place in the everyday life of Faroe Islanders. The meat and blubber of the pilot whale has been an important part of the islanders staple diet. The blubber, in particular, has been highly valued both as food and for processing into oil, which was used for lighting fuel and other purposes. Parts of the skin of pilot whales were also used for ropes and lines, while stomachs were used as floats. Rights to whales have been regulated by law since medieval times. References are found in early Norwegian legal documents, while the oldest existing legal document with specific reference to the Faroes, the so-called Sheep Letter from 1298, includes rules for rights to, and shares of both stranded whales as well as whales driven ashore. For more information http://climatechange...ish_traditions/